angry

margaret river - june 2015

recently my boyfriend decided that he couldn't commit 100% to our relationship. given the situation and the emotional and mental strain that i'd been under, i gave him an essay of why i agreed with him and that maybe we should end our relationship at least for the time being.

and i'm still angry.

i'm angry because i've had time to evaluate. 

angry because maybe i should've said no to him when he asked again.

margaret river - june 2015

our relationship was one of those on-again, off-again. he first asked me out in spetember 2015. after a big discussion i ended up saying no. then in that october he asked again, i said yes. but...  a week later he broke up with me. 

then in early december he asked again, and i said yes. 

i'm angry that i said yes that second time. a dear friend of mine told me that he would ask again and that when he does that i should say no. 

why didn't i say no?

i love him.

it's pretty simple. i love him, i loved him, i thought i was in love with him, i knew i was in love with him.

contradictions all round buddy.

but when you sit back and ask yourself questions like, 'do i love him enough to marry him?' isn't that a sign to run? maybe i should've left that first time i asked myself that. 

bunbury - june 2015

i used to miss being single and now that i'm single again i remember why i missed it. the freedom to do things by yourself, for yourself. and i don't want to come across selfish or self-absorbed but it's nice. i got my hair done. something fresh and new. something to say who i really am. he didn't want me to cut my hair. he liked it long. so i went with it. but now i'm not beholden to him for anything, i don't have to ask his opinion on anything, so my lovely hair got gone.

and being single means i have time now. time for myself that i didn't have before. time to do my hair in the morning, and go out with the girls for a few drinks. i've got time and now i just need to utilise what i've got to it's full potential.

sometimes it helps to vent.

xx

self-image: hands

6:17am winter in perth

lately some stuff has been on my mind. mostly to do with self-image and body confidence. and i thought i was fine with the way my body was.

but recently i've had some health issues which has made me sit back and evaluate what i need to change.  

and there have been some things that have really stood out to me. one example is the other day i went to the bathroom at work, looked in the mirror, i was fine and my face was super cute. 3 hours later, i kid you not, i looked 10kgs heavier and my facial arrangement did not appease me.

and recently i've been trying to exercise every day and i thought my wrists and fingers were getting thinner. i haven't been for a while, and i swear my wrists and fingers are fatter than they were a week ago. as a pianist, i tend to look at my hand a lot. (please read this comment for reference.) 

my right hand has a fresh sore on it that moment. my left has a ring that my boyfriend got me for my birthday and as proof that he thinks that our relationship will last the time. (the ring pictured is not the one, i unfortunately don't have a picture of it as of yet.)

in general, my fingers are short and stubby and technically not 'piano fingers' but i say you do you, and these fingers have been playing piano for pretty much my whole life.

i tend to keep my nails short, force of habit more than anything. when i was playing team sports your nails could not be over a certain length as to minimise the amount of accidents on the field. they rarely see any colour as my chosen place of employment contains a lot of fixtures and i'm not incredibly careful with where i place my hands and end up scratching my nail polish off. also i can be quite lazy and haven't made time to paint the poor things.

the fingers on my left hand are slightly callused, especially the pointer and middle finger. years of playing violin and various other stringed instruments will do that to you. 

the fingers on my right hand are normal. at the moment they are a bit dry but times change, and one day i will get around to moisturising those beauties.

life will be alright in the morning.

xx

intentional

from albany road trip
29/12/2015

i haven't written here in a long while. it's currently 1:04am and i'm not even trying to sleep. life has been busy, and being an adult is not as fun as i imagined. responsibilities, bills, commitments, the whole lot is a huge thing to try and navigate. it's tiring, but at the end of the day it's worth it.

i wrote a little thing on my instagram the other day about being intentional...

"intentional: done with intention or on purpose.i hadn't picked a word for 2016 but i think i found the perfect one, intentional. intentional living, eating, surviving. i'm very good at doing stuff just cause i can, but now it's time to buck up. here's to being intentional."

adult-ing may be hard but... in my two years of being an adult (and few months of no longer being a teen) i know that everything is worth it in the end.

and another thing... relationships are tough, they're hard work. i feel like people told me this sorta stuff while i was single but i didn't pay them any mind. now, as i'm in a happy relationship, i have a better understanding of them. instead of just thinking about me i now have to think about him. and man, family is another thing. they matter so much. and i'm super blessed (and thankful) to actually get along with his family. one thing that i've been steadily praying about when it comes to my life partner, is that i get along with my mother in law. thank the LORD for He has answered my prayers and gifted me with not only an awesome future mother in law but an awesome future family.

xx
don't forget.

self-image : face & hair

two hazel eyes
one pig nose
one barely there chin
perfect lips
no cheekbones
EYEBROWS
kinky, flat, dull hair

Somedays i like my face. i think it perfectly smooth, with chiseled strong features. other days, oh lordy, eyebrows too prominent. i usually wear contacts now & i don't recognize myself in photos, especially ones i haven't seen. i walked past the fridge the other day & there was a photo of some people. i saw mum, nom & some other lady. a few days after, i had a proper look at it. that other lady was me! i was wearing my contacts that day & just didn't recognize myself! my eyebrows are terribly dark without glasses, i always like i should pluck them or something... but then i'd have to keep plucking them.
and let's not even get started on my hair. my golly, it has this little kink right up the right, which is why i never have a fringe. it lacks volume, and honestly, i can't be bothered doing anything without usually. 

i feel alive

from facebook fan page

today i feel fat
my body will never
live up to society's ideals

today i feel lonely
pushed into a corner
awkward & silenced

today i feel anxious
don't want to get
out of bed

today i feel sick
of being 
shoved aside

today i feel lost
someone stole life's
map from my grasp

but yet, i feel alive

Small talk

    (image credit: twitter or facebook) 

The incessant chitter chatter of life on Planet Earth.

"Let us talk about the weather. It's quite warm out, is it not?"

"Lovely dress you've got there, ma'am. It flatters your figure."

"The weather is rather warm, I do agree." 

"OMGosh!! What did you do with your hair!?!? It's amaze balls!?!?" 

I don't know about you but, I hate small talk. Little chit chat while waiting for something. If you were to strike up a conversation with me it wouldn't be about the weather, or clothing. It would be about food, or the future. Y'know, important things. Like, Nephelim, and Jesus Christ of Nazareth, and scary, awesome, crazy wonders of God's creation. Or awkward girl problem stories, and pregnancy woes, and children. (& their little problems.) I, as a general rule of thumb, don't like talking to random strangers. I just feel awkward, and ask really weird questions, like, what they think about freemasonry. 

I think that's why I don't have many close friends. If you attain close friend level with me, then we will talk about the deep stuff. How Jesus has changed you, or if He's changed you at all. And then maybe, maybe we won't talk for months. Maybe just mere days. But, the number one sign of true friendship is not seeing someone for years & still being able to enjoy their company. 

Do you like small talk?

remember me

sunlight streams through the window

shadows flee

as forlorn feet make their solemn march

around the corner

towards the front

following the funeral car

tears, though silent as they fall

are heard by one 

by one and all

and the trees tell us a story 

of a man who breathed his last

remember me

when the soft wind blows

when the frost kills the flowers

and there's no more sun

don't forget me

breathe in the scent

of your one

your one and only love