quiet and not sad aka lately

i had two posts in my queue that i had almost finished but after re-reading them i deleted both. they were sad and tmi. and i don't want to say too much, and i don't want to be sad. so yes hello. i am quiet and not sad.

i did one of these quite a while ago, and today i found it while scrolling through all the posts. and it's changed quite dramatically. holla

i. a person's daily routine 

ii. what they eat for breakfast (or if they eat breakfast at all)

iii. what they listen to when driving

i. i don't necessarily have a daily routine but... on the days i work i'm (generally) out of bed by 7:30, i may have a shower and wash my hair, get dressed in my beautiful all black reflection of my heart work uniform (ew grammar) and then i go make breakfast/lunch/sometimes dinner. (usually just breakfast and lunch.) and then i'll toddle off to work to start at 9, work all day, finish anywhere between 5 & 5:30, then home, dinner, and whatever activities i choose to do that evening. i'm generally out every second night during the week, and sunday i'm out all day due to church commitments.

ii. i usually have oats with a dab of honey for breakfast but it really depends on the day. once a fortnight i help out with a young mum's group and i generally don't eat breakfast that day. i'm housesitting at the moment so really have just been eating rice bubbles. *snap, crackle, pop away*

iii. my car doesn't have a stereo so i put my phone in a little cavity in the center console thing. at the moment i'm listening to all the music on this playlist. it doesn't give an impressive sound but it's enough for me. yay

angry

margaret river - june 2015

recently my boyfriend decided that he couldn't commit 100% to our relationship. given the situation and the emotional and mental strain that i'd been under, i gave him an essay of why i agreed with him and that maybe we should end our relationship at least for the time being.

and i'm still angry.

i'm angry because i've had time to evaluate. 

angry because maybe i should've said no to him when he asked again.

margaret river - june 2015

our relationship was one of those on-again, off-again. he first asked me out in spetember 2015. after a big discussion i ended up saying no. then in that october he asked again, i said yes. but...  a week later he broke up with me. 

then in early december he asked again, and i said yes. 

i'm angry that i said yes that second time. a dear friend of mine told me that he would ask again and that when he does that i should say no. 

why didn't i say no?

i love him.

it's pretty simple. i love him, i loved him, i thought i was in love with him, i knew i was in love with him.

contradictions all round buddy.

but when you sit back and ask yourself questions like, 'do i love him enough to marry him?' isn't that a sign to run? maybe i should've left that first time i asked myself that. 

bunbury - june 2015

i used to miss being single and now that i'm single again i remember why i missed it. the freedom to do things by yourself, for yourself. and i don't want to come across selfish or self-absorbed but it's nice. i got my hair done. something fresh and new. something to say who i really am. he didn't want me to cut my hair. he liked it long. so i went with it. but now i'm not beholden to him for anything, i don't have to ask his opinion on anything, so my lovely hair got gone.

and being single means i have time now. time for myself that i didn't have before. time to do my hair in the morning, and go out with the girls for a few drinks. i've got time and now i just need to utilise what i've got to it's full potential.

sometimes it helps to vent.

xx

self-image: hands

6:17am winter in perth

lately some stuff has been on my mind. mostly to do with self-image and body confidence. and i thought i was fine with the way my body was.

but recently i've had some health issues which has made me sit back and evaluate what i need to change.  

and there have been some things that have really stood out to me. one example is the other day i went to the bathroom at work, looked in the mirror, i was fine and my face was super cute. 3 hours later, i kid you not, i looked 10kgs heavier and my facial arrangement did not appease me.

and recently i've been trying to exercise every day and i thought my wrists and fingers were getting thinner. i haven't been for a while, and i swear my wrists and fingers are fatter than they were a week ago. as a pianist, i tend to look at my hand a lot. (please read this comment for reference.) 

my right hand has a fresh sore on it that moment. my left has a ring that my boyfriend got me for my birthday and as proof that he thinks that our relationship will last the time. (the ring pictured is not the one, i unfortunately don't have a picture of it as of yet.)

in general, my fingers are short and stubby and technically not 'piano fingers' but i say you do you, and these fingers have been playing piano for pretty much my whole life.

i tend to keep my nails short, force of habit more than anything. when i was playing team sports your nails could not be over a certain length as to minimise the amount of accidents on the field. they rarely see any colour as my chosen place of employment contains a lot of fixtures and i'm not incredibly careful with where i place my hands and end up scratching my nail polish off. also i can be quite lazy and haven't made time to paint the poor things.

the fingers on my left hand are slightly callused, especially the pointer and middle finger. years of playing violin and various other stringed instruments will do that to you. 

the fingers on my right hand are normal. at the moment they are a bit dry but times change, and one day i will get around to moisturising those beauties.

life will be alright in the morning.

xx

intentional

from albany road trip
29/12/2015

i haven't written here in a long while. it's currently 1:04am and i'm not even trying to sleep. life has been busy, and being an adult is not as fun as i imagined. responsibilities, bills, commitments, the whole lot is a huge thing to try and navigate. it's tiring, but at the end of the day it's worth it.

i wrote a little thing on my instagram the other day about being intentional...

"intentional: done with intention or on purpose.i hadn't picked a word for 2016 but i think i found the perfect one, intentional. intentional living, eating, surviving. i'm very good at doing stuff just cause i can, but now it's time to buck up. here's to being intentional."

adult-ing may be hard but... in my two years of being an adult (and few months of no longer being a teen) i know that everything is worth it in the end.

and another thing... relationships are tough, they're hard work. i feel like people told me this sorta stuff while i was single but i didn't pay them any mind. now, as i'm in a happy relationship, i have a better understanding of them. instead of just thinking about me i now have to think about him. and man, family is another thing. they matter so much. and i'm super blessed (and thankful) to actually get along with his family. one thing that i've been steadily praying about when it comes to my life partner, is that i get along with my mother in law. thank the LORD for He has answered my prayers and gifted me with not only an awesome future mother in law but an awesome future family.

xx
don't forget.